Jerry, you need to find god
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
