how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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