why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Are we still banned from the library?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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