I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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