I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
