I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
