her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
