Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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