I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I am naked and annoyed.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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