He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
FUCK WHALES
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
