Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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