yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
