This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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