i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
