omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
