This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
