I accidentally had phone sex last night
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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