I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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