Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
