she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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