Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
