I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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