Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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