im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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