the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
