And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
