dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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