I think my vagina is haunted
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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