Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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