I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
