My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize