so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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