What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
