just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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