be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
