God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
