Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
