Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
