we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
