My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
