90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
