I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
