Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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