I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
