Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
