i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
