I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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