So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
