i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
