So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
