John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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