Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
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if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
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theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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